Six things never to keep in the freezer!

  1. Reading glasses

You might need glasses to read the cooking instructions on frozen pizza. Still, dude, it is not good idea to keep your glasses with the pizza in the freezer. Because when you take the pizza and the glasses out and you want to read what the package says, you’ll get all fogged-up. Frozen shot glasses are OK, though.

  1. A dildo

Some people think that in order to keep a dildo free of germs, it is a good idea to keep it in the freezer. It isn’t. Those soft gel dildos will get rock hard and crumble at the first touch, whereas a vibrating dildo might not start in freezing conditions. But the main problem is, frozen dildos tend to get stuck to moist parts of the anatomy. Believe me. I’ve tried.

  1. A husky puppy

You might be tempted, if you see your tiny dog huskily panting in the heat, to give it some well-deserved cooling down time in the freezer. But even though they are well equipped to withstand sub-zero temperatures, huskies are pack animals, very afraid to be alone in the dark. So unless you are sure the light stays on after you close the door, don’t.

  1. Beer

Bottles of beer in the freezer will stay lukewarm for as long as you keep checking them. But moments after you forget you put them in there, the beer will flash freeze to make the bottles explode and yellow ice spread all over the freezer compartment. If you see yellow ice without having stored beer in the freezer, remember what I said about the husky.

  1. Sperm

In documentaries you sometimes see doctors taking frozen sperm from a container. This sperm is kept in laboratory conditions at -196˚C. Over 10 times colder than your average freezer. Fresh sperm, however, can be kept in a milk and glucose solution several days at 17˚C. When trying to breed, for the best results use sperm straight from the penis.

  1. A freezer

If you put an active freezer into a freezer, there is a high risk you might trigger a chain reaction with the freezer freezing the freezer, freezing the freezer. The settling of the freezer molecules may cause the earths rotation to slow down, eventually leading to a collaps of time-space continuum and the death of all mankind.